The #QuestForPerfection is over

So here we are once again. Living a nightmare this seemingly eternally on loop. I could write angrily about any number of things that went wrong to lead us to this point, but it won’t soften the blow any. I regret to inform you all that yes, ONCE AGAIN, the Detroit Tigers have lost out on their chance at an undefeated season.

Now, I hear you out there. Shouting at your computer screen. Saying “BUT JUSTIN NO TEAM HAS EVER GONE UNDEFEATED IN BASEBALL YOU CLOD.” First, turn off the Caps Lock there, sports fan. Second, rude. Third, and most important, just because something hasn’t been done before doesn’t mean it can’t be done. We live in an era where we’ve gone to the moon AND we've found a way to microwave eggs without them exploding.

I’m here to say that an undefeated season isn’t just a goal to strive for, but it’s an inevitability. Let me throw some cold, hard facts your way. The fewest losses in a 162 game MLB season? The 2001 Seattle Mariners went 116-46, which gave them an astonishing 72% win percentage, good enough to lose in the ALCS that year to the New York Yankees, whom they actually took the record from. In 1998, the Yankees went 114-48, and I’m sure they were none too pleased with having Seattle stomp all over their turf.

So let’s look at the improvement we’ve seen since 1961 when the MLB went to the 162 game format we all know and love. In 1961, the New York Yankees went 109-53. This was later, in 1969 (nice), tied by the Baltimore Orioles. The Yankees would then reclaim sole-ownership of the record in 1998, as mentioned earlier.

So, since 1961 through 2001, which is 40 years, we saw a 7 game improvement in regular season records. Using that logic, it would be reasonable to assume that sometime between 2001 and 2279 we will see an undefeated season. The math checks out, so I don’t think I need to explain this any further.

Now when we discuss the origin of baseball, it’s hard not to travel over the pond and compare it to the game of Cricket. Now, like most Americans, the only thing I know about Cricket is that they use poles in the ground and their bats are more rectangular in shape, which automatically makes it a more elegant and well-thought out sport than baseball. So it stands to reason, that since baseball is the more vulgar and barbaric cousin to this time-honored English sport that we could eventually emulate their success. And what success it has been!

As it turns out, the first recorded undefeated season in first-class country cricket was in 1864. EIGHTEEN SIXTY FOUR! Now you might say that this isn’t a great statistic, since Surrey pulled off this amazing feat by only playing 8 games, but it only gets more notable from there! The best record I found was in 1925, Yorkshire played 32 games without a loss. That means in just 61 years and with quadruple the number of games, they could still achieve an undefeated season. This is remarkable and proves just how much catching up we have to do with our overseas comrades!

Now, using my above example, it would be expected that within some period of time between 2001 and 2041 we’re going to see a 7 game improvement on the 2001 Orioles record. It’s gonna happen, it’s just a matter of WHEN. Obviously we’ve wasted 14 seasons before now, so the hope of all fans of statistical improvement keep holding on hoping to see us get there. But I want to go a step beyond that. I don’t want to wait until 2279 for perfection to be achieved, mostly because I probably won’t be alive then and I have no interest in passing this historical moment down to future generations. I think it’s time that we come up with a strategy to ensure we see it as soon as next year.

1. Convince players on all teams but one to not participate in the game.

Now, I admit that this might be tough. Those players have some pride in their work and they aren’t going to just want to let themselves get ROFLstomped into oblivion day after day. But as long as they’re going to get paid, you might be able to make a compelling argument that they’ll be immortalized as part of the greatest season of baseball in history. Try to not mention exactly what that role would be, of course.

Also, it’s important to note that I’m not saying players should quit, because then they’d get replaced by minor league players who would probably still scratch a win or two out, completely destroying the purpose behind this grand project. It’d be like if they let an intern work on the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, it’s beautiful, but everyone keeps looking at the one spot where Roger jacked up his brush strokes. So instead, they'll play, but not do anything. Pitchers will just underhand throw, fielders will take naps or make picnics, and batters will just stand there and get struck out. It will be beautiful.

It goes without saying but for this plan to work, we also would have to nominate a team to be the first undefeated team. I speak with no bias when I put forth the Detroit Tigers as the team to do this. This may make it hard to convince Minnesota, Chicago, Kansas City, and Cleveland to participate but worst case scenario buy them all free cruises and then just have the ship remain out at sea for the entire season. Ship them food and stuff but then sink the boats with the supplies so they can’t escape. Cover all angles.

2. Send all players from all teams but one on a big cruise ship and then have it break down at sea.

Well I guess I kind of spoiled this one. Same thing I was just talking about, but the whole league, not just 4 teams. More expensive, but should still be very effective.

3. Convince the MLB Commissioner to prematurely end the season.

Now that we’re no longer under the Iron Fist of Bud Selig and his Unrelenting Hatred of Expanded Replay, I think it’s fair to say that we are prepared to enter an era with The More Open-Minded and Easy to Talk To Commissioner Rob Manfred. Naturally, I propose we should take full advantage of this and end the season immediately if the Tigers get a win. I mean, really, if we’d have just taken this approach this year we wouldn’t be over a thousand words into this blog post, now would we?

We’d have to present a compelling argument to the commish if we’re going to try this, and I don’t know if “baseball history” will quite be enough. So I’d say if necessary you should probably be prepared to lie a lot. Maybe if you convince him that the owners are secretly out to get him and make him like super paranoid he’ll eventually cave and cancel everything. I dunno, I’m just the idea guy here.

4. Just outright cheat.

Just for the record, no, none of the above would be considered “cheating” per-se. It’d be influencing, but not outright cheating. But assuming that all of that has somehow failed (probably a totally reasonable assumption), now we have no choice but to cheat.

I’m not proposing violence. There’s nothing much to be gained with a  bat-assisted bench-clearing brawl, mainly because all of your players will get suspended (especially if you failed to win over Manfred in option 3) and eventually you’ll run your pool of farm players dry. And while you could probably start signing guys off the street, eventually you’ll end up in a situation where even the beaten and bloodied opposing team with their multiple lacerations and fractures are better than your completely healthy team entirely made up of concession stand employees.

So with that out the door, the next best option available is to start messing with results. Hire people to sneak into the score board and change numbers during the game. Make sure that Joe Buck is calling every game since he’s probably not paying attention to the score anyways and can be easily tricked into believing your ruse. Hack into the MLB record keepers’ systems and arbitrarily change data and scores. After all, a loss only counts as a loss if it’s still a loss at the end of the season.

Sure, this will probably lead to a 300-page article on the 2017 MLB Season on Wikipedia, but history will have still been made, and ultimately history doesn't care if there's an asterisk next to it or not. Unfortunately, the soonest it can happen is next season, as this one’s already a lost cause (I don’t count the Baltimore Orioles, who as of this are undefeated, because they aren’t the Detroit Tigers). Or is it?

So, by my math, if the Tigers manage to not lose again, they would finish the season with an ASTONISHING 99.3% win rate. But, if we just plug this number into Microsoft Excel and “accidentally” use the ROUNDUP function in place of the ROUND function, suddenly that sure looks like a perfect season to me!