Day 1
Adventure! I have arrived at the entrance to a mine deep underground. There are ancient statues and carvings all over the walls by the entrance. Surely this is the find that I've been looking for! I've been adventuring in ancient caverns and ruins for my entire life and have never found anything like this! I can't wait to find out what's inside...
Day 2
Well that is odd. I find myself standing outside the entrance to the caves, and yet I was sure that I had just explored the mines yesterday. In fact, I seem to recall falling a great distance and (quite painfully) landing on some large spikes. Perhaps that was a dream? Ah, no matter! Onward! Adventure!
Day 3
Despite the fact I can still remember the searing pain as the acidic spittle from that cobra dissolved my skin into dust, I am again at the entrance to the caves. I feel there is some dark power at work here. I must find a way to stop it.
Day 4
I managed to uncover plenty of valuable gems and gold within the caves, and then happened upon a shopkeeper! He was selling all sorts of interesting gadgets, but most fascinating was the jetpack! I purchased it and began testing it out. Then I fell down a mineshaft, broke both my legs, and was devoured, bit by bit, by spiders. Adventure.
Day 12
I find myself inching ever closer to what appears to be a lush jungle, but each time I think I will escape these wretched mines, I find myself being offed in a variety of manners. It really is becoming quite unnerving to experience so many different levels of pain. However, I feel this adventure is just getting started. Onward!
Day 13
I made it into the jungle, and had all of ten seconds to take everything in before I was slowly devoured by a man-eating plant. I swear I can still feel its teeth boring into my flesh. I also met an odd man who seems to be trapped in the same loop as I am. He offered to dig a tunnel back to the main entrance, allowing me to bypass the mines. I gave him what he asked for, so hopefully that will pan out.
Day 16
While trying to bomb out a path I accidentally threw the explosive into the shop. The man proceeded to blast me repeatedly with a shotgun. I am considering taking up drinking at this point.
Day 22
Met the man in the tunnels again as I had made it through the mines. I again provided him the supplies he requested with the hopes I can stop having to visit these forsaken mines. I made it quite a bit further into the jungles this time, until I was stung to death repeatedly by giant bees. I'm allergic. I expanded to the size of a balloon and felt immense pain in every part of my body before I finally submitted to the sweet, sweet embrace of eternal slumber. I think I'll enlist in the Army after this journey. No one will ever be able to torture information out of me.
Day 31
Goddamned spiders.
Day 39
Aha! The man in the tunnels has completed his work and I now have access to the jungles directly! I may find my way out of here yet! I'm back here now because my flesh was rended from my bones by giant piranha. I'm still not sure all of it's here. Also, based on the number of empty beer bottles lying around the entrance, I am concerned that I'm becoming an alcoholic.
Day 42
I found the entrance to a series of frozen caves just past the jungle today. Again I found the tunnel man, who offered to make yet another shortcut. I provided the supplies and journeyed forth. I then fell into an endless chasm until I died from the G-Force trauma. This sort of thing was NOT covered by any of the archeology or safety classes I've taken. Additionally, I doubt my insurance will cover it.
Day 59
Jumped onto spikes for the hell of it. I guess I'm getting used to the pain. Or the alcohol is helping. Haven't made it to the ice caves again in weeks. I hate this place.
Day 70
Made it to the ice caves again, and found an amazing discovery! Extraterrestrial life! Yes, aliens! I witnessed their presence as they vaporized me with a flying saucer. Every molecule of my body became searing pain for an instant before I opened my eyes here again.
Day 81
Goddamned spiders.
Day 92
The shortcut to the ice caves is finished! The tunnel man has been a great help in allowing me to further my quest, which has gone on for 3 months now, by my count. Assumed it actually is a new day each time I reappear here. It could be the same day I arrived. I haven't seen natural light in what feels like ever.
Day 121
Finally made it through the damn ice caves. Did you know that yeti exist? No? Did you know they like to freeze you solid and then break little bits off your body for fun? No? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? I do. Found the tunnel man and again provided some supplies to him. Bastard better hurry. I've fallen to my death so many times I no longer have any sense of speed or height. The next area appears to be a temple, but I was too drunk by the time I got there to remember anything except falling directly into a pool of lava and slowly melting away. Adventure.
Day 136
Again found my way to the temple. Gave some supplies to the tunnel man and found myself sober enough to recall the inside of this hidden place. The temple looked to have several ancient carvings and was filled with both lava and traps. Also, there was Anubis, Egyptian god of death, just floating around. I wanted to get a closer look when he blasted me with this purple ray, which sucked the soul from my body, allowing me to feel pain on an ethereal level while I watched him hack my body to pieces as I floated helplessly. I think I need to see a psychologist after this, because the books we could write from my experiences here could make billions.
Day 140
Shockingly made it through the caves yet again, and ran into tunnel man. Do you know what this asshole asked me for this time? He's asked for bombs, rope, cash, and a shotgun (?) up to this point. This time? He asked for a gold key. I told him the only one I've seen is in the mines. Guess what that means? This jackass wants me to go through the mines, all the way back to the tunnel to the temple, while carrying a huge ass golden key. I told him to go screw himself. Then, I fell into some lava again. I may have been drunk.
Day 221
I've intentionally killed myself around 20 times now. Who cares? I'm never getting out of this goddamned place. Managed to see a giant ghost last week. As he passed through my body I froze and then proceeded to explode into dust. Hooray.
Day 242
I managed to bring the tunnel man the key. I now have direct access to the temple I also somehow managed to make it to what I presume is the end. The ancient spirit Olmec then took control of a giant idol head and crushed me into a fine paste.
Day 271
I think I've figured out Olmec's secret! I think if I act carefully, I can get the idol to smash through the floor into the lava below! I'm going to test this theory! Adventure!
Day 319
The theory has merit, I just need to stop drinking so I might actually be focused enough to get it to work. I've been crushed so many times I sometimes forget how bones work.
Day 361
I write this standing outside what I can only assume is the exit. For over a year, I have been trying to find my way out of this hellish cavern. The evil spirit Olmec constructed this ever-changing deathtrap for his own amusement, and now I've beaten him. His idol melts in a pool of lava, far below, and I stand before what I can only assume is the final door. I look forward to leaving this place and putting my experiences to use. Maybe even getting a proper crew together to explore this place in more detail. The experience has been difficult, terrifying, and has left more psychological scars than I can even imagine, but now, it's over. I've won. And I never have to go through this again.
Day 362
GOD DAMN IT.
